Random Romance!
by mleeph
Summary: Random Bleach characters. One wacky author. Romance. Stir thoroughly. [Drabbles collection, rated just in case.]
1. Chapter 1

**NOTICE:**

What you are about to read is the product of a deranged mind in need of inspiration. My goal is this: write a series of romance-ish drabbles using totally random Bleach characters, just for the heck of it. The mode of randomization: assign 48 important characters a number, and then use the random number generator to find pairs. Young or old, man or woman, dead or living, they will be paired and their stories messed with! Read at your own risk!

I plan on posting two or three drabbles per chapter. So, enjoy...

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**Title: Loudmouth  
Pairing: Asano Keigo x Hisagi Shuuhei  
Warnings: x-treme stupidity, OOC-ness and crack  
Comments: Augh, what a pair to start with. These two don't even know eachother, and I don't like Keigo...

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**

Shuuhei wasn't one for loudmouth human guys. And this one had to be the worst of all. Ugly, stupid, flirtatious, impossible to shut up—and totally, madly in love with the shinigami.

He didn't know how or why it had happened, only that one day Asano had inexplicably given up on his many female interests (maybe he was just desperate), come out of the closet in a uniquely energetic and idiotic style (some people can't do anything gracefully), and thrown himself wholeheartedly at the deeply dismayed officer. It was inexplicable. Rather like... Romeo and Juliet, or some other such nonsense that Yumichika had been spouting. Love at first sight. (Except that that would make him Juliet, which didn't seem quite right. Anyways.)

As a result, Shuuhei came to loath the days he spent assigned to Karakura High as a backup for the increasing number of Arrancar "incidents" in the area. If Keigo's face wasn't in his line of sight, or his words babbling in Shuuhei's ear, then he was undoubtedly hidden somewhere plotting ways to win his beloved's heart. The guy was certainly tenacious, if not intelligent. And Shuuhei didn't think he could take it any more.

And then, one day, it stopped quite suddenly. Asano was nowhere to be seen, his strident voice no longer echoing down the halls and into Shuuhei's battered eardrums. Mizuiro informed him cheerily that the boy was sick, happily pressing a scrap of paper with an address into Shuuhei's hand on the assumption that he might want to visit his "dear friend."

And, predictably, when the shinigami showed up on Asano's doorstep against his better judgment, he was greeted by a tremendous sneeze and an equally unappetizing mucus laden embrace. Shuuhei wrinkled his nose at the damage to his uniform and sighed resignedly.

No, he certainly wasn't one for loudmouth human guys.

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**Title: Possession  
Pairing: Aizen Sousuke x Kuchiki Hisana  
Warnings: none, really.  
Comments: Ah, this one was just interesting enough to make up for the last one. A pairing I never would have thought of but love already. Evilness, jealousy, and conspiracy theories for all! Mwahahaha!**

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A possession. 

That was what Byakuya had in her. Not a wife. Not a lover. A _thing_ to be bought and sold and stored in the dusty attics of the Kuchiki house. She belonged to _him_ as she floated through the silent corridors on equally silent feet, a mere decoration on an altar to her husband. Her dark eyes, pale skin growing more ghostlike and translucent by the day. She was not a free woman but a desperate one, who had seduced the heir of a noble house in her quest to survive and bound herself to a life of slavery.

Aizen vowed to change that.

He didn't want to see her in chains any longer, her delicate body the property of a man who kept her only as an object. He didn't want to see her sad eyes filled with further sadness in the cold courtyards of Byakuya's home. Aizen Sousuke did not fall in love, but he did fall in hate, hate of a man who could hold but not cherish that which danced before him on butterfly wings.

Yes. The pitiful creature must have been happy when she died, free from all the harsh life she had spent. It wasn't really an _end_ that Aizen bought for her. More like a clean slate, a gift to the one he cherished and watched from afar. At least that was how he thought of it.

_Start over, Hisana,_ he thought as he readied her poison. It was an elegant mixture of subtle substances, laced with his own powers in such a refined fashion as to be admired by any who understood it. But none were to be given that pleasure. This was for her, and her alone. _Be happy. I'm giving you a chance to forget._

Forget, as he could not. End it, as he would not allow himself. Destroy her, so that he would not destroy them both._  
_

_And keep away from me, my beloved. If you see this face, run, hide, escape. Count it as the face of the devil._

_For I keep possessions longer and more strictly than any man alive._

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Fin. Did you like it? Was this dumb or what? Yippee, stupidity! D_  
_


	2. Chapter 2

The madness continues!

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**Title: Kinky  
Pairing: Honshou Chizuru x Shiba Kaien  
Warnings: innuendos, strangeness, randomness  
Comments: uh... YOU try pairing a deceased shinigami male with a lesbian human! It's not so easy!! **

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Well, all right, so Rukia-chan didn't _quite_ tell her about Shiba-san. But she heard pretty well anyways from the girl's babbling mouth as she napped beneath a tree out in the schoolyard. Chizuru had sat nearby, admiring the other student's... better features... while munching on her lunch. (Conclusion: Rukia was pretty, but not as stunning as _her_ busty Orihime-chan.) And she just couldn't help overhearing the soft utterance of those lovely pink lips: 

"Hai... Shiba-taichou... sorry... sorry...mm, no...but I love you..."

_Well, I'll be damned if that doesn't sound kinky,_ Chizuru thought in surprise. Shiba-_taichou_? That girl was more adventurous than she'd given her credit for.

Chizuru stared at the sky, idle scraps of thought floating through her sleepy head. Shiba-taichou...hopefully a girl... no, of course a girl...tall and dark-haired and beautiful and lithe...she wondered idly if she and Orihime could set up a threesome. Now that would be sexy. Ah, daydreams.

And with that thought in her head, Chizuru turned over to sleep next to Rukia on the grass, all green and warm and summery and _hot_.

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**Title: Loan  
Pairing: Kurosaki Yuzu x Kuchiki Rukia  
Warnings: none  
Comments: It's not romance. Sue me.**

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You can't borrow someone's clothes for weeks on end and not develop a certain affinity for them. 

The curve of a dress, or the worn out spot on the sleeve of a pajama top—they all added up to a strange sort of insight. _Soft_, that was the word Rukia would use to describe Yuzu. Neat and tidy and perfect and _soft_.

It was a change for someone more accustomed to rough and bloodstained uniforms than smooth cotton summer dresses. But Rukia found she didn't really mind. No matter how much Ichigo might complain about her midnight thievery, Rukia would always end up back in his little sister's room, rummaging furtively through doors and searching for an excuse to stay longer in the little oasis that was Yuzu's world.

Yuzu's bedroom was lovely, a veritable treasure trove of stuffed animals and cute, fuzzy things with ears. The walls were painted a cheery yellow, the curtains a surprisingly comforting yellow-and-pink plaid. It was a place to escape to, after all the broken madness of life had swirled around you for too long. It was here that Rukia would disappear to day after day, sitting curled on the window seat with a pillow clutched in her arms, contemplating the world.

And it was here that she found a picture, tucked behind a large blue rabbit on the shelf, of a woman holding a small blond child in her arms. There was no inscription, just a wooden frame that looked as though it had weathered many years. Rukia stared at it, marking the similarities in mother and daughter—the smile, the laughing eyes, the touch of sadness behind the innocence. Lucky and unlucky, she supposed, to have had a mother only to lose her. Lucky and unlucky, but always strong. And graceful and gentle and soft, that was Yuzu.

And so Rukia put the picture down and wandered away, staring out the window and waiting patiently for time to pass. It passed slower than she would have liked, never distancing her far enough from her own memory, so that she was forced to seek comfort in the world of someone else. That was how she thought of things now, of happiness as stolen moments in the room of a girl she barely knew and yet understood already.

After all, you can't borrow someone's life for weeks on end and not develop a certain affinity for them.

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	3. Chapter 3

And more!

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**Title: Tongue  
Pairing: Asano Keigo x Ise Nanao  
Warnings: kissing, dumbness  
Comments: How come Keigo always comes up? And how come he's always paired with cool people? Ah, well... at least here he's just a prop. (Oh, and I also put Shunsui and Nanao in the real world so that this... incident... could occur.)**

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Ichigo was amazed. Rukia wasn't sure whether to issue congratulations or a good smack upside the head. Orihime was enthusiastic (not that she knew what was going on; she was just enthusiastic by nature), and Kyouraku Shunsui was on the warpath. 

Mizuiro, however, had only one question:

"So, you get any tongue?"

His friend digested that particular query, prioritizing it rather lower than the task of working out the conflicting signals bombarding his inadequate intellect.

"Holy... hell, yes," said Keigo in amazement, tears streaming down his cheeks in bliss. "That was frickin' _awesome_."

"I'm sure it was," cut in Nanao icily, wiping her mouth for the sixteenth time. "But you have full permission to shut up now."

"Ah, but... can I call you Nanao-chan? Oh, sweet—" the fukutaichou silenced him with a sharp smack on the head from her heavy tome.

"You may not. It reminds me all too much of my lecherous captain."

"...Whom you just attempted to make jealous by kissing _this_ guy," Mizuiro put in smugly.

"Yes, well... correct."

"It seems to me you didn't think this whole thing through very well, really." Mizuiro continued thoughtfully. "I mean, now you've saddled yourself with yet another admirer as a side effect. Wasn't there an easier way? It's pretty obvious that this Kyouraku guy _already_ likes you."

"Indeed he does," Nanao replied, wrinkling her nose. "Myself and every other girl who crosses his path as well."

"So you did it to give him a taste of his own medicine?"

"I did it to remind him that if he doesn't treat me like the invaluable companion that I am, he's apt to lose his babysitter one of these days."

"Ouch. There must have been at least three different insults in that last sentence."

"To borrow a phrase from your friend over there, hell yes."

"And was it worth it?"

"Maybe." Nanao sighed and wiped her lips for the seventeenth time, and counting. She stared at the babbling high school student on the floor and thought of his counterpart likely being restrained by Ichigo and Chad just around the corner. Judging from the look on her taichou's face, Nanao's tactics had certainly had their effect.

Yes, it would probably be worth it in the end, she supposed. But she better get a _lot_ of conciliatory... tongue... to make up for the torture she had just subjected herself to.

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**Title: Silver and Gold  
Pairing: Kotetsu Isane x Matsumoto Rangiku  
Warnings: none  
Comments: Not too romance-y, just a doodle on their differences. Opposites attract.**

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One silver, and one gold. 

The color of their hair told all that was needed to understand their personalities.

Isane was silver. Furtive silver like the moon, dancing behind its veil of clouds, forever trying to hide its light from the abyss of darkness. Beautiful silver, but not in a way that won her followers. Shy silver, holding instead to the realm of poets and those who see with lonely eyes.

It made her perfect for the fourth division, for her quiet powers and gentle personality combined to make a medic who was at once comforting and effective. She was a cooling breeze upon the wounds of shinigami, her hands adept at the weaving of spells and the binding of tears or breaks. But behind the calm face ran a nervous silver light which not even she could tame.

Rangiku was gold. Glaring gold like the sun, pouring its blessings across the world without shame or abashedness. Alluring gold, like bars of treasure that have haunted so many through time and the three worlds. Warm gold, welcoming each and every one into the light no matter how they might have to shield their eyes.

It made her perfect for role as the center of attention. While others might have been cowed by the burden of carrying such beauty (both spiritual and... shall we say, physical), Rangiku delighted in it. That was the way the she met the world, with delight—in sake, in parties, in men, and in the endless teasing of her diminutive taichou. It was as though the world spun around a single axis, and at the center of that axis was a buxom, golden haired shinigami who ate and drank and loved as passionately as the rays of the sun pounded upon the earth.

Placed side by side, they were opposites, silver and gold, precious and precocious. Day and night. They had no business together. Only when the moon sinks down may the sun rise. The high and the low cannot call to each other across the chasm between them. But a litany of healed wounds is sure to bring the greatest to her knees, and a calendar of soft nights together sure to raise the slightest to her feet. And the fiery forge of life is sure to bind two metals into the same mold, until one seeks the other out of its own accord. So perhaps Isane and Rangiku were always half and half, waiting and watching and dreaming.

One silver, and one gold.

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**Coming soon: Uryuu x Karin! Ulquiorra x Rukia! Stay tuned!**


	4. Chapter 4

Took a while to update, sorry.

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**Title: Emotional Involvement  
Pairing: Kurosaki Karin x Ishida Uryuu  
Warnings: kissing, fluff, lame plot  
Comments: Ok, so this is a little overused as a plot device, but it'll do.**

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"You act like a girl," she told him, staring in disgust at the embroidery project spread across his lap. It was neither pink nor frilly, just for the record, and Ishida felt rather slighted. 

"Well, you act like a boy," he shot back at Ichigo's little sister. "Not to mention looking like one."

"Lashing out is a sign of insecurity, you know."

"Same goes for you!"

"No, mine was just an observation. Yours was a comeback."

"How amazingl illogical."

She snorted, dark eyes scanning him with a bored expression as she leaned against the door of Ichigo's bedroom. "So, are you dating my brother?"

"What the—? No! Are you crazy?"

"Ah, true," she smirked. "Ichi-nii is too macho to want a wimp like you. He probably just needs help with homework or something."

"Correct. Wait... no! I mean..."

Karin laughed. "Gotcha! But seriously, are you gay?"

"No, I'm not," Ishida replied shortly. He could feel his cheeks turning pink. Not a good sign. Why did he let this absurd little girl get the better of him?

"I bet you are," she teased. "And I bet you're a real masochist too. You just let _anybody_ beat up on you, don't you, Uryuu-_chaaaaan_?"

"I do not! And anyway, why are you so concerned? You're something of a tomboy yourself. I would have thought you'd have no interest in _guys_."

"That's disgusting," she said, and this time it was her turn to blush. Just a little bit. Ishida smiled softly, leaning over his work.

"You know, Karin-_chan_," he continued, "I think your _real_ problem is that you've never had a boyfriend. You're one of those elementary schoolgirls who never outgrew the notion that boys have cooties."

"Hey! Not true! And since when are you a shrink, anyway?"

"_Prove_ it's not true, then," he said, baiting her.

"Believe me, you don't want me to," she replied darkly.

"Oh? Why is that?"

"Because I'm not a scaredy-cat."

Ishida made a dainty but scathing noise of disbelief. "And what is that supposed to mean?"

"It's supposed to mean this," she said angrily, and the next moment the Quincy found himself pressed back onto Ichigo's bed, a pair of small, strong hands on his shoulders and a bubble-gum flavored tongue in his mouth. He jerked in surprise, so Karin took a handful of dark hair in her fist to keep him from moving. This was one girl who always played hardball, and she was not letting go of the archer until she was damn well _finished._

"Not bad," Ishida commented after she had pushed him away, and sat glaring at him from her seat on his knees. He licked him lips. "Lacked emotional involvement, though."

"I didn't see much coming from you, either, you idiot."

"I came here to tutor Ichigo in math, not to kiss arrogant little girls." He drew his feet out from under her and swung them over the side of the bed, looking sadly at the mess on the floor. "You have completely destroyed my work."

"Then do it again, pretty boy."

Ishida chuckled at the unintentional invitation. "Oh, I will," he assured her.

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**Title: Trash  
Pairing: Ulquiorra x Kuchiki Rukia  
Warnings: spoilers for Arrancar arc  
Comments: This is one of those moments when I really wish I _did_ own Bleach, just so I could own Ulquiorra.**

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Humans are nothing. 

Far below the seat of Aizen in Hueco Mundo, far below the purity of the world Ulquiorra knows, lies a great heap of trash that they call the human race. Their cities are sloppy mountains of misplaced parts, and the majority of their people no more interesting than the bloody meat that forms their bodies. The most engaging remain nothing but garbage-dwelling insects, to be examined, and then crushed beneath the feet of the Arrancar.

Ulquirra took pride in his ability to sort through this mess, finding the useful components buried amongst the rest.

The girl, the one with the strange powers: not trash. She might be of use to Aizen.

The boy, the one with the orange hair and the reiatsu that never stood still: not trash. He might be of use to Aizen.

The woman, short and slender and loyal, a human who passed away but was never allowed to take on the pure form of an Arrancar: not trash. Because... well, actually, for absolutely no reason at all.

Ulquiorra didn't know exactly what had drawn him to her, for she was just one among many that he watched from his perch in Hueco Mundo. She was a simple and foolhardy thing, yet inexplicably attractive in a way that made Ulquiorra doubt everything he had learned over the years. The way that her large, dark eyes flashed in the heat of battle, her small form dancing its way around larger opponents, the age apparent in her young face. He might be over a hundred years her junior, but Ulquiorra could see the ebb and flow of tragedy in her as easily as he could analyze her movements.

When Grimmjow had led his ill-advised attack on the human world, Ulquiorra had watched. Better to let the idiot get himself in deep before exposing him to higher authority. But the Arrancar had never expected the jolt he had received when he watched Grimmjow's arm slam through the petite shinigami's body and out the other side, twisting her face in pain.

Ulquiorra never made a sound, but his own muscles twisted ever so slightly in empathy. It was then that he called for Tousen to destroy the grinning madman, Ulquiorra's hands shaking so that he his them in his sleeves when he spoke to his superior officer.

Arrancar were not supposed to think this way.

So Ulquiorra did not think, but analyzed, scrutinizing her every move in the human world. He sought to find what strange ingredient made her different from the others, what elevated her beyond the status of trash and into a realm of Ulquiorra's mind that he had not known existed.

And what he found was nothing but his own madness, the fault in his own reasoning. Ulquiorra turned away and stared at the vast, cold hall of the fortress in Hueco Mundo.

Humans are trash. They are nothing, no more interesting than the bloody meat that forms their bodies. Ulquiorra understands this. And he also understands his own weakness for them. The day he meets her in battle will be the day he destroys himself, because unfortunately, even Arrancar were once just human trash.

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**Happy New Year! **


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